How Do You Know If He’s “The One”?
I got another reader request in my Tumblr inbox this morning, and it was a pretty thought-provoking one.
So even though I had something else — that was totally interesting! — planned for the blog today, I decided to abandon it.
Okay, fine, I’m lying. I had nothing. So thanks for the RR, Rach.
I had to take some time to think about it though, because I didn’t really have an answer right off the top of my head.
To be totally honest, now that I’ve been around a bit and observed my own and others’ relationships, I don’t really think there’s such a thing as “THE ONE” — at least, not in the way we daydream about it, in that “You were created just for me, to be my other half… You complete me…and blahblahothersappystuffblah” type of way.
In the first place, I’ve already mentioned before that I really don’t buy into that “You complete me” business. Please. Let’s all quit that already. We’re already whole. Secondly, I honestly believe you can be happy and make a good life with more than one person.
Well, not at the same time, of course.
I mean, think about it. There are like 7 BILLION people in the world. The thought that only ONE is destined for you seems a little ridic. So no, I don’t really believe in The One. I believe in THE ONE YOU CHOOSE.
You’ll meet many people who could be The One. But it’s you - and not the Universe or God or Cupid or whatever - who decides who that One will be.
I realize this probably won’t be such a popular view among the more romantically inclined…
But that really is what I think. Love isn’t just hearts and magic and flowers and floatiness and “OMGOMGOMG so many feelings!"
I think love is a decision. It’s not a “We were destined to be together! And now you are here! Hooray!” type of scenario. It’s more like “Hey, I have options. I could be with someone else or I could be perfectly happy alone. But I choose you. Because you’re awesome. I pick you, even if you sometimes suck. Because even then, my life is still a much better place because you’re in it.”
And it’s a decision you make often, every day… even if (and especially when) the hearts, flowers and OMGOMGOMG floaty feelings appear to have gone on vacation.
I’m not saying that feelings don’t matter - of course they do! But feelings are such flighty, frivolous creatures. They have this nasty habit of changing on you, sometimes without warning and for no logical reason whatsoever. They’re pretty unreliable, so they’re probably not your best decision-making tool.
So if you’re looking to choose The One, it really should be based on more than just a person’s ability to make you kilig. Look for things that last, things that will stand the test of time.
As I said in a previous post, every relationship is unique. So while people will always have their opinions and advice on the matter, no one can really tell you if someone is the one for you - except YOU.
And you don’t even have to enumerate and analyze all the specific qualities he has, to figure it out. Just ask yourself this: “Who am I when I’m with him?”
If your answers are YES, and you like what you see, then he has my vote. Because when all is said and done, the bottom line is that the one you choose should lift you up, not drag you down. (And that goes both ways, by the way. Don’t go thinking it’s all about you.)
1+1 should = a terrific 2. If you’re not better, happier people because of your relationship, then what’s the point of having it at all, right?
Hope this helps, and as always, the comments are open to anyone who’d like to pipe in and share their two cents on the topic.
Cheers, people! Hope today was a good one.